Review

 Zombies are in right now. They're so in, Brad Pitt gambled on slapping the title (and little else) of Max Brooks' novel of the same name on a big, multi-million dollar production. What did all that money get us?

Not much. World War Z is your standard-issue generic blockbuster movie. Now that studios aren't as reliant on America to make boatloads of money, they appeal to a worldwide mass audience to make up all those dollar bills they throw around. The problem with that is when they try to appeal to everyone the end result can often be generic, appealing to no one. WWZ falls into this trap.

Brad Pitt is Dad-Man, a guy who used to do something important (I'm not sure it's ever said what), but who now wants to live the life with his wife and children. To its credit, not much time is wasted setting things up. As soon as the happy family is stuck in Philly traffic (you can tell it's Philly because it looks exactly like Glasgow) everything goes bananas. The initial chaos is one of the two scenes they used heavily in promotions, along with the scene in Israel.

In most zombie movies the action takes place after the breakout. What WWZ has going for it is that it's all about the mass chaos normally only spoken of in past tense. The one exception being the very beginning of Zach Snyder's Dawn of the Dead remake. So there's that.

Soon Pitt and his family are brought aboard a battleship where survivors are being temporarily placed. He reluctantly goes out to find a cure by retracing where the plague began. In between his globe trotting we are treated to scenes of his wife (Mireille Enos, like I really needed to be reminded of The Killing) waiting for him to call her on a walkie talkie. She might as well be a bowl of oatmeal. In fact, a bowl of oatmeal would be an improvement. His wife represents the cliché where any movie that has a soldier in it must be required by law to include a scene where he talks to her and their newborn baby through Skype. Only now that boring cliché is spread out through an entire film.

And that's the problem WWZ has. Everybody is a blank. Pitt (and his female Israeli soldier sidekick who says maybe one word) moves from set-piece to set-piece, so the momentum is there, but it means nothing. Shit happens for the sake of shit happening.

Oh yeah, and it's tame as fuck. PG-13 is rarely a good sign for Horror, but they can get away with a lot these days. Or so I thought. The Walking Dead is one of the most popular shows on TV and it is far gorier than the almost entirely bloodless action found here. The action is so tame that it undermines the stakes.

Violence would've helped cover the bland characters at the very least.

Elijah Wood: Creep

Out of everything in William Lustig's short but impressive filmography as an exploitation director, Maniac might just be the most popular (it's probably between that and Maniac Cop. My vote might have to go to the underrated Vigilante). The tale of a schizophrenic man who can't get over his mother's death distinguishes itself over conventional slashers by taking place in the seedy New York City of yore, and by having the lead played by one of cinemas all-time great sleazebags in Joe Spinell.

When a remake was announced it was tough to really give a shit. So many of these remakes--whether Horror or not-- are just garbage that are totally devoid or what made the originals beloved in the first place. The fact that we have to keep bringing up The Fly and The Thing as remakes that turned out better than the original is proof of how so many of them miss the mark.

But when Elijah Wood took up the part of Frank it changed things. He had a pretty good turn as a creep in Sin City, and it's not like Wood takes any old slop that comes down the pike. Things just got interesting.

This new version of Maniac doesn't reach the heights of what John Carpenter was able to do with The Thing From Another World, but it's better than all the cookie-cutter dreck that has been shoved down our throats for the past decade (I'm look at you Platinum Dunes).

What Maniac does that gets the most talk is film from a mostly POV perspective. 90% of the movie is seen through the eyes of Wood's Frank as he repairs antique mannequins by day, and murders women by night. Doing it this way could have so easily become a bad gimmick, but it works. Director Franck Khalfoun literally puts you inside the mind of a crazy fuck as he stalks his prey. When Frank stares at his next victim before following her, you feel like a creep.

The plot is pretty much the same as Lustig's version. Frank scalps women for his mannequins before meeting a beautiful foreign photographer (B-movie sexpot Caroline Munro in the '80 version. Nora Arnezeder in the update) who he desperately tries to be normal for. Using the POV perspective makes it feel fresh and not just a cheap cash-in. The only thing missing I really would've liked to have seen lifted directly is the amazing headshot on Tom Savini; second best only to the cranial explosion in Scanners. It's nowhere to be found unfortunately.

Maniac does what most Horror movies don't anymore, it tries. In this lifeless, corporate, appealing-to-the-masses world we live in when it comes to movies, that's become more than enough to make something worth watching.

7.0 out of 10

Charles Band has a tiny monster fetish

Most Horror movies are shit. I can guarantee you that Horror fans have watched more awful movies than the average film goer. So why do we watch them? Part of it is the thrill of discovering the diamond in the rough. Another part is the fun of schlock that turns out to be enjoyably bad. Or maybe we're just masochists.

Ooga Booga is a Blaxploitation/Horror about a doll avenging his own murder. The cover says "Beyond Django..." for the sole purpose of making people go, "Hey I liked Django Unchained. What could this be about?" Which totally works because it made my wife curious about it at a Redbox. It begins with a children's program hosted by a guy named Hambo (Chance A. Reardon) who is a middle-aged drunk that masturbates in his dressing room. After being fired, his young intelligent black friend comes by to help out and is introduced to Hambo's collection of racist dolls that he plans on selling. This includes "The Gook," a figurine of an Asian with buck teeth and a camera.

The first twenty minutes or so is dedicated to Hambo before he disappears from the rest of the film. Meaning that Hambo was nothing more than a really convoluted way to introduce the Ooga Booga doll. After Devin (Wade Forrest Wilson) leaves he stops at a convenient store that a couple white criminals rob. A racist cop (all the villains are racist white guys) comes onto the scene, immediately blaming Devin and shooting him. This causes a malfunctioning slurpy machine to place Devin's life force into the doll.

The second act features the racist cop bullshitting with Karen Black and the dumb white criminals from earlier. During this scene top heavy pornstar Siri is gyrating in the background wearing a thong. Not that it matters since they never really show a good angle of her anyway.

Ooga Booga eventually convinces his woman Donna (Ciarra Carter) of who he is and together they seek vengeance. This includes the unconventional plan of Donna allowing herself to be gang raped by the criminals in order to steal their keys, and Ooga Booga jerking off while watching her soap-up in the shower afterwards. Sexy.

The whole thing is very self-aware of how politically incorrect it is. Full Moon Video are even planning to sell replicas of Hambo's dolls (I recommend buying The Gook and placing it in your office cubicle). I could applaud the effort of being racially conscious trash, but Ooga Booga is too mediocre to worth bothering.

All That's Missing Are Some Piranha.

"Spring break...spring break..." So goes the Mantra of James Franco's "Alien", a white trash ghetto thug. A mantra that begins as the mark of the morons who inhabit the beach communities at this most sacred of College times, but becomes a slogan of perversion and depravity as the film goes on.

Spring Breakers marks a coming out party of sorts for indie director Harmony Korine to the mainstream. Up until now it was only the scumbags who whispered his name when discussing such beloved filth as Gummo. For the most part he was largely known as the guy who wrote Kids. Make no mistake, even though Spring Breakers is his most mainstream work, it is still a Harmony Korine sleazesterpiece.

The first act is dedicated to the four girls. Anyone who has browsed the internet in any capacity have undoubtedly seen the pics of them in bikinis that have been plastered on absolutely everything. Young girls showing skin is like catnip to the internet masses, who typically lust after jailbait like Emma Watson flowering before their eyes in the Harry Potter flicks.

This section is dedicated to emphasizing just how outrageously important spring break is to these young ladies. They don't have much character development beyond Selena Gomez (who looks uncomfortably young) being the "good girl" of the group. She's such a good girl in fact, that she attends a Christian youth group led by...Jeff Jarrett?! What the fuck is Jeff Jarrett doing in this movie? This is now the second time recently I was surprised by a pro wrestler in a movie. The first was when Kevin Nash turned out to be one of the dancers in Magic Mike. Yeah I watched Magic Mike and you know what? It was fucking funny. And that was the second time recently seeing Matthew McConaughey almost totally naked after Killer Joe.

For these girls Spring Break is a near-religious experience. It is so important that they violently rob a nearby diner in order to cough up the cash necessary. In doing so they get their first taste of what's to come.

Early in the movie is also where it is made very clear that audiences everywhere will be treated to more jiggling buttcheeks than ever seen before in a motion picture. There is so much nudity it's almost a shame that it wasn't filmed in 3D.

Here are some of them

When they meet Alien is when Spring Breakers really kicks into gear. With his cornrows, Macho Man Randy Savage sunglasses, patchy facial hair and grills, James Franco epitomizes the shady dirtbag. Alien becomes a mentor of sorts to the girls as they sink further and further into his world. My favorite scene, and what might be the centerpiece of the film, is when Franco performs a Britney Spears song on a piano that segues into a slow motion montage of criminal acts. I don't usually throws words like "brilliant" around when describing a movie, but it's the only word that comes to mind.

Spring Breakers is the kind of weirdo movie that doesn't come to theaters too often. Fans of filth will want to mark their calenders in order to make room for a viewing. Simply put, Spring Breakers is a magical experience.

Rape Jokes Inside

Humanoids from the Deep is infamous for being the "monster rape movie." Hearing that vaulted it to the top of my personal Netflix queue for a romantic movie night viewing with my wife.

 Legendary schlock producer Roger Corman gave female director Barbara Peeters specific instructions on what to do when making this: the monsters kill the men and rape the women. Upon seeing her cut Corman wasn't satisfied with the amount of monster-on-female action and had the second unit director film additional scenes. Peeters wasn't happy about it.

So how rapey is Humanoids exactly? There's two scenes of a guy in a goofy looking monster suit attacking women by laying down on them for a second. Anyone upset by this is way too sensitive and have no business watching an exploitation movie of any sort. What they should do is get the guy who did the Piranha remake and create another remake of Humanoids (there was one in the 90's nobody watched) starring Daniel Tosh that focuses on monsters coming out of the sea to plant their eggs in men's butts. Exploitation flicks could use the gender reversal and besides, everyone knows it's a lot funnier when a man gets raped.

Nipples

A majority of the story is what is typical of this sort, meaning mostly boring crap with a few entertaining scenes. Towards the end the creatures attack a carnival creating a big gory climax that wasn't really worth the effort.

Trailers for Scumbags.

Salo might be a movie about rape and poop eating, but it's an artistic movie about rape and poop eating.

Goddamn, people used to hate nerds.

Imagine the crushing disappointment when I found out Slaughter High wasn’t about a classroom of urban youth who learn the value of education through the tough, but fair teachings of Sgt. Slaughter. No, instead it is a slasher flick where Marty majors in cutting classmates and the student body is going to pieces.

Marty is the school geek who receives the full Toxic Avenger treatment when an attractive “girl” pretends like she’s going to bang his virgin brains out. I put girl in quotes because the female in question is played by Caroline Munro, who was 36 at the time. Looking her up I also discovered that I own three movies she stars in: Starcrash, Maniac, and The Spy Who Loved Me. Who knew I was such a slobbering Caroline Munro FANATIC?

But Marty doesn’t just get the Toxic Avenger treatment, he gets the deluxe package. After stripping down naked in the girls shower awaiting his prize (containing one of my favorite scenes where Marty alters graffiti that says “Marty Rantzen sucks!” by changing the S to an F. That’s right buddy, you show them who’s boss) the curtain is pulled back, exposing his naked body to what looks like an entire video production crew who spray him with foam. As if that wouldn’t be enough, they electrocute the towel rack so he gets a shock to the system trying to cover up. Still not satisfied with this dusplay of sadism, they drag Marty's soaking wet buns across the bathroom floor so two guys can grip his quivering nude body upside down and dunk his head into the toilet. Watching grown men hold tightly onto him with their hands uncomfortably close to his nether regions makes for the one true moment of homo eroticism Slaughter High can muster.

In case embarrassing poor Marty in such fashion wasn’t enough, the jerks then give him a joint with a firecracker inside pretending to make up. And in case that wasn’t enough, they mix shit into chemicals he’s working with that create a fire, causing Nitric Acid to fall on his face. I bet Marty felt humiliated.

Ten years later and the jerks who almost killed a human being in the name of pranking get high school reunion letters. When they arrive to their old stomping grounds the place is closed down and dilapidated. Time to head home, right? How about waiting outside all day before breaking in because there’s DEFINITELY a reunion.

Harry Manfredini made the music and he puts a little wink to his more famous work on Friday the 13th by throwing in a quick “ki ki ki ma ma ma” when a guy scares the girls by popping out with a goalie mask on (thankfully, the meathead throws Jason’s name out there in case anyone is a giant fucking idiot and doesn’t pick up the reference). During the first half of the movie his soundtrack is goofy and playful. Once the killing starts he pretty much copies and pastes the Friday the 13th soundtrack.

The Ground Round tried a grittier approach to childrens parties

The murders begin when a dude's intestines erupt out of his stomach after shotgunning a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yeah, that sounds about right. The woman who gets splattered with his blood decides to go take a bath...a bath in a decrepit school that’s been closed for years. When burning chemicals start coming out of the faucet she quickly jumps out and evades danger. Just kidding, she sits in the tub screaming for her life as she burns to death. There is absolutely nothing stopping her from stepping out of the tub. At that point you deserve to die.

Slaughter High is a pretty standard Slasher-Horror from the 80’s, but it's dopey enough to be entertaining throughout. It was originally going to be called “April Fool’s Day” but had to change the name when it was used by another Horror movie. The guy who played Marty committed suicide right after it came out. April Fool’s!

No really, he totally killed himself.

I've just been mind fudged.

On a recent night while trolling the cesspool that is the "Free Movies" section of Comcast On Demand, I stumbled upon a low-budget gem from 1982 that I still can't believe is real. The only explanation for how She could have been conceived was that Israeli director Avi Nesher watched a bunch of genre movies, wanted to make one of his own containing elements of every single film he enjoyed regardless of total inexperience, and somehow got the financing for it. It's like an Alejandro Jodorowsky movie if Alejandro Jodorowsky had no idea how to make a movie.

The "plot" has something to do with Sandahl Bergman (who you may remember from the commentary for Conan the Barbarian where John Milius constantly refers to her as a valkyrie while ejaculating in his pants) as the titular She, who joins up with Tom and Dick to rescue one of their sisters in a post apocalyptic world. What follows is a series of bizarre non sequiturs containing such events as:

--Nazis in athletic equipment.

--A robotic Frankenstein erupting out of a box.

--A telekinetic Communist.

--The heroes awakening inside of plastic bags after being captured by a giant bearded man in a tutu who is working for a guy dressed as a 18th century Frenchman.

--A werewolf toga party.

--Crossing a bridge guarded by a man who is a hybrid of Popeye and Davy Crockett who can regenerate multiple versions of himself whenever a limb is severed off.

And that is only some of the scenes. Neil Marshall tried going for a weird mash-up like this with Doomsday a couple of years back, but that was nowhere near the accidental genius of She. After the successful Kickstarter for a high definition transfer of Manos: The Hands of Fate, I'm thinking someone needs to start one up for this much more entertaining curiosity.