Another Cabin Fever movie nobody asked for

Is this really necessary?

Retro Review--The Blob (1988)

When talking about remakes the conversation will predictably steer towards the same few movies that actually got it right. "Yeah, but what about The Fly and The Thing?" Well there's another remake that starts with "The" that's pretty good too. What about the The Blob?

Coming out 30 years after the Steve McQueen original, this blob was brought to us by the team of director Chuck Russell (A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, The Mask, and The Scorpion King. Talk about a career of diminishing returns) and co-writer Frank Darabont (The Shawshank Redemption, The Mist, and The Walking Dead before becoming the first showrunner fed to the grinder.)

The remake stars Kevin Dillon at the height of his powers. He plays town outsider Brian Flagg. You can tell he's a rebel since he has a motorcycle, feathered mullet, and a five inch cock. Also he wears what looks to be a chef's uniform under his jacket. Starring in The Blob was his ticket to becoming the next Ethan Hawke, but it didn't quite happen. Maybe it's because his establishing scene has him attempting to jump a broken bridge on his motorcycle that fails so blatantly it only serves to make him look like an idiot.

The blob makes its arrival on an asteroid that crash lands near a lovable hobo. His discovery of this alien creature marks the greatest transition in the film as the blob glomming onto his hand cuts to a kid slurping jell-o off his plate.

There's a few minor appearances by recognizable faces.  Darabont staple Jeffrey DeMunn plays the town sheriff. Jack Nance is a doctor. Bill Moseley is one of the scientists that show up to contain the blob. The melting guy from Robocop is the deputy. And last but certainly not least, Erika Eleniak plays a girl whose would-be lover takes her total unresponsiveness as a sign to begin opening up her blouse. Surprisingly, Eleniak doesn't show her breasts, but neither does anyone else. This is a rare nudity-free 80's Horror movie.

The plot goes exactly where it would in something like this. The local cops don't believe the kids and their crazy alien story and things escalate from there. There's always the punk kid who the cops don't like or believe. Brian Flagg one-ups all others when his response to them being dicks is to lick a cop's face. You show those pigs who's boss.

They said Peter North had a lot of cum, but this was unexpected

Eventually the scientists from E.T. show up to capture the blob. Can you guess if they have ulterior motives? They just may!

I could list a bunch of great moments in this movie. The greaseball cook who gets pulled into a drain. Or how about how the blob breaks an unofficial rule of movies and kills a kid? But what really makes this worthy are the effects of the blob itself. Rarely do I watch a movie that has me wonder how they did it, but The Blob had me asking that question often. If made today it would obviously be done with CGI, and that would be sad. The pink veiny spooge-like practical look of the blob is a sight to behold, with all of the kills being appropriately gross. I would definitely prefer being stabbed in a slasher flick to being liquified alive inside this disgusting thing.

Our intrepid main characters (including Shawnee Smith, world-renown for her role in Iron Eagle) figure out that the blob doesn't like the cold, leading to Flagg making another bone-headed decision when he drives a snow-making truck directly into it like a fucking moron.

I wouldn't put The Blob on the same level as the remakes Cronenberg and Carpenter took on. Those are two movies by masters at the top of their game. But it is good and the effects definitely deserve to be spoken of in the same admiration. What's really cool is that they leave it open for a sequel that they could still follow today. I doubt they'd follow the efficient 90 minute runtime. A modern version would wind up running 140 minutes. Why make a movie these days if it can't numb audiences by the halfway point?