Don't make me laugh, Baby Pig.

It might be questionable whether B-movies exist as they once did, but something tells me that asking about the Italian Horror industry will have a much clearer answer. The sub-genre flourished from the '70's and into the '80's before petering out--like all good things--sometime in the early '90's. What the Italians lacked in technical skill compared to their American counterparts, they more than made up for with gore and gonzo creativity. Really the only name still going today is Dario Argento, arguably the most successful of his colleagues. His modern output pretty much blows, but back in his heyday he pumped out a number of staples for Horror, including a producers credit for Demons.

A young woman (I have no idea what their names are because it isn't important at all) is riding the subway train filled with a real bunch of punks, as the typical excellent Italian musical score blares out the stereo. You can say whatever about their skills as filmmakers, but they knew how to craft a soundtrack for Horror. Even better, the soundtrack for Demons has a bunch of Metal acts like Scorpions, Saxon, and Accept.

She is handed a flyer by a mysterious man with a metal mask embedded in his face for a special screening at a theater named the Metropol. After convincing her friend--who I'm positive is Megan Fox's mother--they join up with a motley crew of characters. This includes an elderly couple celebrating their anniversary and a young pube-headed caucasian couple whom look like siblings. They do say people are attracted to those with genes most similar to themselves; that doesn't surprise me since I married my wife chiefly to go fuck myself.

In addition, the crowd attracts two young men on the prowl for snatch, and a pimp who shows up with his hoes for a night on the town that doesn't involve putting out cigars on the inside of thighs. Soon they are transfixed by a prop from Knightrider displayed in the lobby. The prostitute going for the desirable "Rick James look" can't help but put the demonic hockey mask (?) on her face, pricking her. NOT THAT SHE'S NOT USED TO BEING PRICKED.

I would be remiss to forget another couple who come to the show. An old blind man with his young, able-eyed lady. Like a typical old blind guy, he's all like, "uuhhhh help me I can't see uhhhh." Soon, her sidepiece shows up and they begin making out directly next to the guy, because fuck him. But once things get too hot and heavy they move behind the curtain, leaving the man alone, sweaty, and terrified. Eventually he gets his eyes gouged out, but he's blind so it's not like it really matters.

I told you Megan Fox's mom was in this

Demons is unique in that its movie theater setting allows it to have a movie-within-a-movie. As much as I was hoping that everyone was there to see Bucky Larsen: Born to be a Star, the in-universe film is a parallel to what is happening  in the Metropol. A group coming across the very same mask, unwittingly unleashing the forces of hell. I would say this is commentary on the influence cinema has on real life, but being an Italian movie the only thing on anyone's mind was spaghetti sauce and uncomfortable sexual advances.

The crowd (mainly the women) are very scared by this movie, but I've never understood being scared at a Horror movie. If you're a little kid? Yeah, sure. But any adult who is scared over a movie is an embarrassment to society.

The demons start doing their thing and everyone barricades themselves inside the theater. Driving around the city is a car full of punks snorting cocaine out of a can of Coca Cola because who doesn't enjoy visual puns. When they accidentally spill some of the coke, the guy driving--who goes by the name Ripper--stops and forces everyone else to recover as much of it as possible because he is an insane rage-monster. Turning lemons into lemonade, his buddy uses the opportunity to gingerly scrape a razor blade against the taut nipple of Yolandi of Die Antwoord.

As someone who has "dabbled" in the "punk scene," I can confirm that this is 100% accurate. Punks voraciously follow the three C's: Cocaine, Coca Cola, and Cutting.

When the crowded theater begins panicking, the pimp takes control and tells everyone what to do. This may be surprising to some, but when it comes to skilled work, pimping develops unparalleled leadership qualities.

Dr. Doom's half-brother

Of course it all goes to hell, and soon bodies are piling up. Including the woman who was operating the movie theater. I was under the impression she was in cahoots with the demons, but perhaps not? Or more likely, the filmmakers just stopped giving a shit and made her a victim along with everyone else. Soon Megan Fox's mom gives birth to a full-size demon from out of her back. It's this big money shot moment that led me to believe that this particular demon was going to go hog wild, but he doesn't do shit. So what the fuck?

One of the white guys looking for twat goes absolutely wild with a samurai sword, and he and the other girl I already forgot about escape with a family in a jeep. In a SHOCKING twist, she happens to be a demon and butthead has to kill her.

For an Italian Horror movie, Demons is as close to a blockbuster as it gets. The pacing is good, it's well made, the music rules, and there is exactly one nipple dusted with cocaine.