The thin amount of plot begins with a newscaster telling us about earthquakes that have been occurring somewhere. I don't know where because listening to the newscaster is boring. He starts blabbering on about big, juicy berries that native people on a nearby island feed to their "god". Get familiar with the newscaster. This Mad Men-looking stiff shows up frequently to explain everything that was just shown. His scenes were added for the American release, because Americans love having movies explained to them like a small child.
Soon a submarine filled with those very same Americans crashes into a giant iceberg like idiots; unlocking the King of the Monsters himself, who I guess was frozen in a giant iceberg at some point. I would say this happened at the end of Godzilla Raids Again, but since nobody has ever watched that movie we'll never know.
So Godzilla breaks out of some ice cubes. The King Kong portion of the story is a bit meatier. A guy who runs a pharmaceutical company hears about these juicy berries and wants to make a buck off of their mythical properties. And hey, if there really is some kind of giant beast living on the island, why not take him home too? Once arriving on the island, they meet Japanese people painted brown. They win them over by giving them a radio that magically receives a signal along with immediately getting everyone on the island hooked on cigarettes.
When a small child stands in the path of a giant octopus looking for berry juice, Kong arrives to fight a cheap-looking prop covered in plastic wrap. He celebrates his victory by drinking large barrels of this fucking berry juice everybody loves so much until he passes out. The natives use this as an opportunity to perform a sexy island dance.
Meanwhile, Godzilla attacks a train by bumbling into it like a drunken muppet, and the newscaster keeps explaining to us in excruciating detail what we've just watched.
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| Behold, the not-very-impressive spectacle of Kong |
The humans' plan to take Kong back to Japan by strapping him onto a raft works out about as well as you'd expect, and it doesn't take long before he runs into Godzilla. The initial fight is brief as Kong can't gain ground on Godzilla's constant radiation attacks that singe his beloved chest hair. After that my attention drifted until Kong began flying away on balloons.
Eventually we get to the main fight. Right off the bat Kong starts sucking again. The best move he's able to pull off is smashing his own face into a rock like a nincompoop. Godzilla even pulls off a stop-animation dropkick because after being so dominant, why the fuck not?
I began to wonder: every time one of these giant monsters shows up, Godzilla fights it. Does he not have the capacity for love? We know Kong does. He's loved Fay Wray, Jessica Lange, and Naomi Watts. It was only after this encounter that we saw the fatherly care Godzilla showed his own son. Why do they have to fight? Imagine if the two of them came together to harness the power of love.
My vision isn't meant to be. Once it looks like Kong is done for he gets struck by lightning, using his sudden ability to harness the elements to hulk-up and shock the shit out of Godzilla. This includes when he gives the King of the Monsters the Linda Lovelace treatment with a tree trunk. Then they tumble off a cliff together. Kong is shown swimming away. The end.
BTW, there is no alternate Japanese ending where Godzilla wins. So stop lying, liars.
